Just your average breakdown

I know I've already written about the quarter life crisis that everyone goes though, but damn its been hitting me hard lately. I know I am currently a raging hormonal mess but things are really weighing on me. On top of my already overpowering emotions, my very best friend is leaving next month for Africa with the Peace Corps for 27 months. I'm sure that has something to do with my frantic thinking. I can't even fully explain what I am feeling but I am going to try my hardest to get it out of my brain and onto this blog. 

I've been feeling like I'm just going through the motions day after day and not really receiving any fulfillment. I wake up, go to work, get off, watch tv, then go to bed. I do that same routine every single day.  A few times a week I will throw a run in there to spice things up. I often wonder if I am holding myself back by being in a such state of consistency. 

I don't know. I don't even know if I'm happy or if I'm just in a state of being. It's almost like nothing matters to me anymore, mostly because I'm not sure if I matter to anyone anymore. Does that make sense? I guess I am just so comfortable with where I am that I have forgotten what it feels like to step outside of my box. I'm not sure at this point if I want to step outside my box or just break the damn walls down and find something completely new. But something has to give. I can't keep wandering around like a mindless zombie waiting for something to bring me back to life. 

I think it's easy to succumb to the feeling of being lost and lonely even when you're surrounded by people. It's almost as if things are a little one sided in my eyes.  For instance, I care about the people I surround myself with. I try my hardest to keep in touch with people I don't get to see everyday. I do my best to include everyone in everything that's going on.  But I feel like I'm never really noticed or thought about a lot of times. It's almost like I'm only recognized when somebody needs their hair done. Which naturally, makes me feel inadequate as a person. As if I don't belong.  I question if I am not important enough, funny enough, pretty enough or intelligent enough to want to be around. Now of course, I know these people love me and i am simply being hard on myself. It's just how I feel and I can't change that with my current state of mind.  I feel like I have always been a very confident and outgoing person but sometimes it's really hard to maintain that image when I question myself on so many different things.

People, especially those twisted minds of twenty something year olds, just don't have it all together quite yet. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to become. I know that life isn't meant to be perfect all the time. I know that I have to go through these things. I have to have these emotions that will  mold me into a stronger person in the future. As much as it sucks and as hard as it is.. It's inevitable. 

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

James 1:2-4

Until next time, 

KND

The Impact of Philanthropy

I can honestly say I would not be who I am if I went through college without joining my Greek organization. In light of my organizations philanthropy event coming up this week I have been thinking a lot about how much of an impact the organization had on me.

Through my four years as a Chi Omega I have met my best friends and future bridesmaids. I have formed a beautiful family that I can literally call upon at anytime.

Being in a Greek organization is so much more than just parties, formals, and mixers. Obviously I have incredible memories made through events like that.  But when I really think about what my organization means to me, I think about the lives that I have been fortunate enough to impact through The Make A Wish Foundation. I truly learned the value of life.  I can now comprehend what it means to make a dream come true and put a smile on the face of someone who has no hope.

My junior year of undergraduate school, I was elected  Chi Omega Women's Fraternity's director of philanthropy.  I organized our third annual Wings For Wishes event at Austin Peay State University.  In a nutshell it's an all day event where local businesses, organizations, and surrounding communities come together for all you can eat wings and silent auction to raise money for The Make A Wish Foundation.  It took countless hours and lots of hard work from my sisters.  Never did I think it would pay off in the ways it did. After the money had been raised our chapter was able to work directly with families to grant the wishes of terminally ill children in our area.

I can remember balling my eyes out on several occasions when I was able to work with Russ.  Russ was our wish child (who was actually our age). He was spending his life after college protecting our country as a marine.  Unfortunately, he fell ill and was diagnosed with leukemia. Not only did he have to go through that battle, he also had to have almost every major joint in his body replaced because his chemo treatments were so damaging to his body. Yet through all of this, he was still such a positive person. It made my daily struggles meaningless. It put life in perspective.

Until you can actually work that closely with the people your organization impacts, you will never know just how valuable you are to them.  The things we do as Greeks effect people's lives. It gives them and their family hope. It brings them closer and inevitably brings you closer to the people you love.

Being a Chi Omega and working with Make A Wish changed who I am.  It made my heart bigger and  stretched my hands out further to help others.  The values on which my organization is based mean more to me than ever before. It is so easy to see now how gifted and blessed we are.  We only get one life on this pain stricken world. Being a Chi Omega has made me leader and shown me how easy it is to be the person that can ease pain, even for just a moment.

With that, It's so easy for organizations to forget what philanthropy events are really about.  It's so easily turned into a battle between each other.  People get so flustered when they don't win an event or something isn't done the way they think it should be done. Competition is a good thing but when it comes to philanthropy events the only competition you should worry about is the one with yourself. What can YOU do to help more? What else can YOU do to make a difference?  If you put things into that type of perspective the reward is so much greater and you can fully understand the impact you and your sisterhood or brotherhood can have on this world.  

Good luck to my beautiful sisters this week. Each one of you has what it takes to make a difference. Each one of you were chosen because you have the characteristics that upheld the quality woman our founders stood for. I am always proud of the things y'all accomplish and I enjoy seeing the legacy of our symphony live on through you.

"to work earnestly, to speak kindly, to act sincerely" 
LICO

Until next time,
KND

a tribute to my best friends

Excuse this post if everything is misspelled and the grammar is even worse than usual as I am writing this through tear filled eyes.

I'm at my apartment here thinking about the amazing past seven days I have had on a cruise with some great friends. While I had an awesome time, it just wasn't the same vacation I was used to. A very big part of me was missing when a few of my best friends couldn't make the trip this year.  It is just so crazy to think about how fast life really does go by. This time last year, I was on my senior spring break without a single care in the world.  I really was living young and wild and free. But when I think about me and my friends and where our lives are heading I cant help but shed these selfish tears. 

My best guy friend, Trent, who I spent nearly every single day with for the last couple of years has moved to Memphis for optometry school.
My very best friend and soul mate, Gabi, is leaving in a few months to serve in Zambia with the Peace Corps for two years.
Another best friend and old roommate, Erin, has moved to Alabama where shes studying to be a vet tech.
My current roommate and of course another best friend, KatieJo, just landed her first real corporate job here in Nashville.
Another great friend, Kara, is totally consumed in working her way to the top with her career. Shes probably one of the most driven people I have ever met.
A few other friends, Sarah, Britbrat, Michelle, and Taylor are working on moving to Nashville while they continue higher education and pursue new jobs.

We are quickly (too quickly) becoming the generation that is growing up, moving away, getting married, and having babies. I'm attending baby showers and bachelorette parties when I so vividly remember going to sweet 16s. I am so proud and happy for each and every single one of my friends and where they are going in life.  We have always been the group to go out and do what we want. We take life as it comes and we always keep our heads held high through each battle we struggle with.  I am so blessed for the people that God has put into my life.

But I cant lie, as happy as I am about everything happening in each of our lives, my heart breaks each time I think about how life will just naturally put distance between us.  As corny as it may be, I have no idea where I would be if I didn't have my friends to shape me into the strong and confident person I am. It scares me to know that although we will defiantly stay in touch as the years go by, I wont have each of you at my fingertips. I wish the best for everyone through all of our future endeavours. With that, call me selfish but I just want to keep each of you here with me forever.  As with all groups of friends, we will always have our traditions and we always have an unbreakable bond.  Our group is special in my eyes though. We were truly made for each other.

You know what they say.. distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Until next time,
KND

Taking Life For Granted: the shock of death

“When it comes to life the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.”
– Gilbert Keith Chesterton
 

Today I got the news that a young man my age in my home town  had unfortunately passed away.  The tragedy of losing such a young life can shake you to your core.  As I took a moment to send a prayer up the big man for his friends and family, I thought to myself how easy is it to take life for granted.  It saddens me that it takes such a misfortune to make me realize how much I take for granted.  I always feel so confident when I lay down at night that I am going to wake up in morning, that I am going to see my family and friends again, that I will have another chance to tell them I love them.  The fact is, that doesn't always happen. It makes me cherish all the time I have had with them over the past 22 years of my life. It makes me want to call each and every person who has impacted my life and tell them how much I appreciate them.

I am so fortunate to have what I have in life. I have two jobs doing what I love to do. I have the most selfless parents and wonderful siblings. I have the best friends a girl could ask for.  I have an education (and the debt that goes with it). I have a handsome guy who always makes me smile. I have a roof over my head and a bed to lay in. I have good health and most of the screws in my head are tight. I have all of these things and much more. Yet, I don't do much to show my gratitude for all of it. Sure, I say my prayers at night, but is that enough?

I want to just take a moment and thank you. Yes, you. Because I am positive that you have had some sort of effect on my life. From a simple hello to make my day a little brighter to lending me a shoulder to cry on when I feel like my world is falling apart.

If by chance there comes a day when I am unexpectedly no longer in this world, I hope that I can leave a legacy of compassion for the people I surround myself with.

As for the friends and family of Cody, there is nothing that can be said to make the news of his death any easier to understand.  I didn't know him extensively. I had only hung out with him a handful of times.  From those few times, I learned that Cody was a free spirit. He lived his life to fullest.  He lit up the room with his radiant smile and enthusiasm.  You know what they say.."only the good die young".  My thoughts and prayers are with all who were affected by the loss. 

"So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord." - 2 Corinthians 5:6-8

Until next time,
KND

 

Sisters Before Misters

What happened to sisters before misters? Chicks before dicks? Holes before poles? Most people respect the girl code and try to balance the relationship with their boyfriend and the relationship with their group of friends. 

I think one of the most annoying things to females  is to have a seriously bad betch go rogue on friends because of a dude.

The Lana Del Rey song "This is What Makes Us Girls" inspired me to write about this tragedy.  One line says, "we don't stick together cause we put love first". It makes my skin crawl. There is absolutely no reason to stop hanging out with your girl friends because you are in a relationship. Chances are there are other girls in your close group of friends that have boyfriends as well. Honestly, it's a testament to your loyalty.  Those friends that you throw to the back burner are the ones that will be there when your heart is broken. Quite frankly, you don't deserve the shoulder they let you cry on. 

Besides, who wants to spend every single moment with one specific person anyways? I understand that new relationships are full of lust and desire to be with that person, but give it a rest. I'm not saying taken girls should have a ladies night, get wasted, and dance all over dudes behind their mans back. I'm saying don't stay locked down with no breath of freedom.   And honestly, if you feel like you can't take that breath of freedom and spend some time with friends then you need to reevaluate the person you're in a relationship with in the first place.

Those girls that usually disappear with each new relationship are also the ones who do nothing but talk about their boyfriend when they actually do come around. No relationship is perfect so why try and force that fake perception on the friends that just want to hang out with you because you are awesome? 

There's even some girls who take their boyfriend everywhere they go. I mean, if your boyfriend is he only guy at the dinner table you should probably open your eyes and take the hint.  Bringing him out everywhere doesn't make you any better than the girls who stay away with their boyfriends. What's wrong with going out and having a good time and meeting up with your man later on at night anyways? 

 I'm sure you know exactly the type of person I am talking about. Lets go ahead and throw this out there too- if you get pissed at this blog post then you're probably just guilty of it. You should definitely take some time and try to reconnect with your friends.

Until next time, 

KND

Bitches get shit done

When it comes to hormones, emotions, and peer pressure sometimes being a woman can seriously suck. But the best part of being a woman is we can take it all and still go out into the world and get shit done. Being a woman is such a powerful thing that can reap countless benefits.

"I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass." - Maya Angelou

Just like most people in the south, I indulge each week in the ABC show Nashville.  Hayden Panettiere plays a sassy controlling young country singer who takes full advantage of her looks and power. At the beginning of the season I really just wanted to punch her.  But the more I think about it, the more I would kind of like to be a little more like her. She knows what she wants and she's willing to do whatever it takes to get there. As Tina Fey would say, "bitches get shit done".  She sang a song called "I'm a Girl" a couple of episodes back that kind of resonated why being a woman has its perks. One of the verses says, "I'm a girl I got skills I can dance all night in five inch heels can make you feel like the luckiest boy in the world..". Another says, "I'm a girl oh yeah I can get a free drink from flipping my hair". How true is all of that? I mean, I can't personally wear five inch heels with out making a fool of myself..but you get the picture.

We know what we want in life.  We have dreams and goals.  We are always willing to take the steps needed to achieve them. Not only do we have these ambitions but we also have the emotions that push us to work harder.

Alicia Keys' song "Girl on Fire" kind of sums it all up.

 "Looks like a girl, but she's a flame, So bright, she can burn your eyes, Better look the other way, You can try but you'll never forget her name, She's on top of the world, Hottest of the hottest girls say"

Another good example is Lana Del Rey's "Radio"

  "American dreams came true somehowI swore I'd chase 'em till I was deadI heard the streets were paved with gold.."

Clearly I love music and it inspires me in so many ways. Here lately it has just been reminding me to be the strong motivated woman that I know I am. I love that. It makes me want to work hard and be a better person to reach the goals I have set out for myself and my career. It makes me want to get shit done.

Until next time, 

KND

Stupid Cupid Laws of Love

Let me start out by saying a big fat HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Let's be honest, Valentines Day is right up there with New Years Eve for the most overrated holidays.  Don't get me wrong, I think it's super awesome to get showered with candy, flowers, and jewelry. But I don't think guys should need a holiday to celebrate their women. Sounds like something a cat lady would say, right? Oh well. I'm content with the way I think because Adam Levine said the same thing on the E! Red carpet before the Grammys.

But what really bothers me are the girls that sink into depression on Valentines Day if they don't have a significant other. I mean, I'm single-ish right now and I am totally excited to spend my night with three of my really beautiful single friends. Why? Because those are the people that make me smile. Valentines Day is all about love. I firmly believe everyone should spend the day doing things that they love.  Not a single soul should spend the day picking his or her brain about what could be wrong and why they are single. You are perfect just the way you are. It comes down to the fact that God has a plan for every aspect of your life.  That means he has a grasp one your love life as well. I know just as well as anyone how hard is it to let that sink in and be content. Don't let this one day of the year define you.  Don't let it effect your attitude about yourself or your perception of couples. 

 So if you're one of those people who loathes Cupid for not shooting you in the heart with an arrow this year just think about everything you have in life that you love and that makes you smile.  Get out of bed, put some clothes on, and go spend the rest of this beautiful day doing things that make you happy. Celebrate the awesome you that you so naturally are.

Until next time,
KND