I know I've already written about the quarter life crisis that everyone goes though, but damn its been hitting me hard lately. I know I am currently a raging hormonal mess but things are really weighing on me. On top of my already overpowering emotions, my very best friend is leaving next month for Africa with the Peace Corps for 27 months. I'm sure that has something to do with my frantic thinking. I can't even fully explain what I am feeling but I am going to try my hardest to get it out of my brain and onto this blog.
I've been feeling like I'm just going through the motions day after day and not really receiving any fulfillment. I wake up, go to work, get off, watch tv, then go to bed. I do that same routine every single day. A few times a week I will throw a run in there to spice things up. I often wonder if I am holding myself back by being in a such state of consistency.
I don't know. I don't even know if I'm happy or if I'm just in a state of being. It's almost like nothing matters to me anymore, mostly because I'm not sure if I matter to anyone anymore. Does that make sense? I guess I am just so comfortable with where I am that I have forgotten what it feels like to step outside of my box. I'm not sure at this point if I want to step outside my box or just break the damn walls down and find something completely new. But something has to give. I can't keep wandering around like a mindless zombie waiting for something to bring me back to life.
I think it's easy to succumb to the feeling of being lost and lonely even when you're surrounded by people. It's almost as if things are a little one sided in my eyes. For instance, I care about the people I surround myself with. I try my hardest to keep in touch with people I don't get to see everyday. I do my best to include everyone in everything that's going on. But I feel like I'm never really noticed or thought about a lot of times. It's almost like I'm only recognized when somebody needs their hair done. Which naturally, makes me feel inadequate as a person. As if I don't belong. I question if I am not important enough, funny enough, pretty enough or intelligent enough to want to be around. Now of course, I know these people love me and i am simply being hard on myself. It's just how I feel and I can't change that with my current state of mind. I feel like I have always been a very confident and outgoing person but sometimes it's really hard to maintain that image when I question myself on so many different things.
People, especially those twisted minds of twenty something year olds, just don't have it all together quite yet. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and what I want to become. I know that life isn't meant to be perfect all the time. I know that I have to go through these things. I have to have these emotions that will mold me into a stronger person in the future. As much as it sucks and as hard as it is.. It's inevitable.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
James 1:2-4
Until next time,
KND